


Show Me What This Life Is For

by QueenSquared



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Mutual Pining, Sickfic, Somewhat Shallura, i have no idea what this is, not so much fluff, psychological suffering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-17
Updated: 2016-09-17
Packaged: 2018-08-15 11:44:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8055022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenSquared/pseuds/QueenSquared
Summary: They wonder if it is all worth it. It only takes a near death experience to find out that it is.





	Show Me What This Life Is For

**Author's Note:**

> What started off as a small fluffy sickfic Drabble mutated into this angsty mile long crap. Hope you like<3

 Sick days were bad. Shiro could volley for that.

They were inevitable. He wasn't dense; he could understand that sometimes nature would just be pulling the reigns particularly too tightly, so much so that even a light training bout would be a heavy burden to bear. So whenever Lance complained about an upset stomach or Pidge whined about a throbbing headache, he would understand and they would be allowed for some time off.

That went for every paladin. Every paladin except Shiro.

 To him, being a leader meant maintaining a façade. A disguise that said "everything is fine."  And even when it appears not fine it is a minor issue that requires little to no attention.

 It was the only way to keep the other paladins focused on their mission: forming Voltron. Any distractions could result in serious consequences.

 Shiro never thought he would become a consequence.

 It was early one morning when he sat up in bed with chills up his spine and sweat matted hair. Even in his seated position he felt dizzy and reached to scrub at his eyes when A faint pain erupted in his shoulder. He yelped in shock and rubbed at his shoulder when he broke into a dry coughing fit that rattled his body.

 This was going to be a long day.

Shiro looked at the clock. It read 3:45 am.

Correction: this was going to be a  _very_ long day.

 He made several attempts to get back to sleep but found that every time he closed his eyes he would awaken with a cough or another pain from his shoulder or a shudder that was too severe to ignore. After his final attempt to get back to sleep, he huffed, frustrated, and rolled off of the bed, flopping onto the floor.

 Nothing a little exercise couldn't fix.

 After nearly 200 push-ups, Shiro believed that exercise had broken him. He laid as a sickly heap on the floor, headache worsened, nose now runny and the pain in his shoulder almost excruciating.

 All Shiro wanted to do was sleep.  But he knew he couldn't afford that.

 Instead, he waited until the clock stroke seven until he gathered the strength to stumble out into the hallway and head towards the breakfast hall.

 Surprised and even a little impressed, Shiro could hear voices coming directly from the dining room. He tried to compose himself by pushing back his sweaty hair and subtly coughing before he quietly entered the room, preparing to sit down non-suspiciously.

 The paladins didn't seem to notice due to the present excessive commotion.

 Shiro didn't even want to know what Lance was going on about with Keith and Hunk had breakfast food coming out off of the press faster than he deemed necessary. Pidge was scarfing down pancakes while trying to use logic to get Lance and Keith to come to a conclusion.

"We should form ahead of time and then strike."

"That's not what Allura wants us to do."

"Do you see Allura piloting a magical flying lion? I don't think so!"

 Three chattering voices and the sound from the stove found a way under Shiro's skin. He couldn't help himself.

"ENOUGH!"

 He immediately regretted it after yelling. Doing a number on his throat, the demand had faltered in pitch and left Shiro with a phlegmy cough.

Now four pairs of eyes were on him, but they were all worried.

Shiro muffled the coughs until he could successfully hold them back.

"What is going on here?" He asked.

 The four stared at each other until Hunk spoke up.

"Allura is sending us on a mission to form Voltron and they can't figure out how to go about doing it."

" I think we should form early so we don't have to scramble to pull ourselves together when the enemy strikes" Lance declared proudly.

"in the heat of battle they're not going to give us a chance to form. That's why we gotta do it closer" Keith countered.

"Y'know, you're a real pain in my ass, Keith."

" i'm just thinking logically."

" Oh  ~~~~ _I'm_ not thinking logically?!"

Shiro now understood what the commotion was about but he was halted by the faint prickling in his sinuses. His shoulder was now prominent in soreness.

He almost didn't notice that Pidge had moved to stand in front of him.

"Hey Shiro, are you okay? You don't look so good."

Shiro couldn't let this happen. They were all quiet now and soon they would start to worry, thus becoming distracted. He gave Pidge and the others a reassuring smile.

 I'm fine he said matter-of-factly. As soon as they got to their lions, the better he would feel.

The Paladins all followed him closely. They were getting suspicious.

"Are you sure? We could always train another day."

 The thought of letting their guard down, even for just a moment, sent chills up his body.

That could have been just the fever.

He couldn't ignore the tickle in his face any longer.

"P-Pidge, like I said... I'm _fuh-_ fine..."

 After the weak assurance, Shiro promptly sneezed into his elbow. The bad one.

 He stifled a groan, rolling his shoulder uncomfortably. He couldn't understand why this was happening.

Evidently, the others didn't either. They actually looked afraid.

Hunk tried to reach a hand out to him but Shiro stepped back. He quickly wiped his nose and turned to leave.

"Meet me at the lions in 5" he mumbled, sounding grumpier than he intended. Their worried faces stayed etched in his mind.

 

Of course, Allura had suspected something. THough usually an outspoken spirit, she stayed oblivious, noting the tense air between the children and the older paladin. Deciding not to get involved, she clasped her hands together and began her instruction.

"Paladins! It is time for our first exercise of the day."

Shiro sighed. First exercise. He didn't see himself getting out of this easily.

"Zarcon will not have mercy if he would wish to attack so we must keep our defenses high and our offenses higher."

 She paused to pull a holographic map from her pocket. A path from the castle to Zarcon's approximate location beamed up and illuminated their surroundings.

"All of you must find your way by yourself on opposite sides of the ship. Should you remain unnoticed, this exercise shall prove to be an easy task. once apart, you must find your way to the others and only then will you be able to escape in the formation of Voltron!" 

 Even though she seemed extremely confident, Shiro had a bunch of concerns. He wasn't the only one.

"Uh, princess? Yeah, um, don't you think this exercise seems a little...dangerous for us?"Hunk offered. 

Allura never faltered.

"There is no peace in war, Hunk. Just because they haven't found us now doesn't mean they never won't. Besides, what better practice for your enemy is Literal  _practice with your enemy_?"

Shiro Noticed that the paladins seemed uneasy. He himself was apprehensive to this idea but he knew that if they didn't get in the right mindset,they would never  be able to form Voltron.

 It was time for him to step up.

Shiro cleared his throat, and wow did it burn, turning toward his fellow pilots.

"Paladins. This mission isn't anything we've never seen before. As long as we go at it with diligence, I have no doubts that we will be successful. We could talk about all the things that could go wrong but I'd rather go in there knowing that things will go right. Keep your heads up beyards close, and bonds strong together we will form Voltron!"

 The team was shocked at Shiro's sudden enthusiasm, but any suspicion was forgotten as they all pumped their fists in the air. After that, they all went into the hangar to suit up.

Shiro sniffled miserably and rolled his shoulder, sending sparks of pain near his neck. He was about to head for the black lion when a soft hand worked its way into his. it was probably the fever but he felt his face warm up when he looked up at Allura.

 She wore a hardened glare that searched for answers.

"Shiro" she said softly. " if you are not up for it then you don't have to do this."

Even as his fearsome leader, she was caring and kind. And so ethereally beautiful.

Shiro rubbed his eyes. He was zoning out again.

" I'm always up for it. Gotta watch out for them. They can't form Voltron without me, remember?"

Allura let her hand fall from their clasp, assuming General mode. But there was something else. Something Shiro was all too familiar with.

Doubt.

 He expected it at some point. It just hurt a little knowing it was from her. Allura moved toward the steps of the castle and she didn't look at him.

"That is correct. They cannot form Voltron without the black paladin."

Shiro actually let her walk away, but hot anger boiled up inside of him. Knowing that Allura only saw him as a pawn made him hurt. So much so that he forgot about his shoulder and the fever momentarily.

 The truth was that he was replaceable. Anyone could be the black paladin just as much as anyone could be the other paladins.

And Shiro was now figuring out that she had always felt that way.

 Instead of letting it hurt him, he decided that he would stop at nothing until he achieved her approval.

They were brought together for a reason. He knew that. He just had to show Allura that they were worth it.

 As he boarded his lion he developed a plan for getting near zarcon's ship.

He ultimately sided with Keith's plan (Lance wasn't too happy about it) and ordered the formation of the separate lions. They would all shuttle out lion by lion, separate by a few ticks. Flying low enough to avoid being spotted, they would find different sides of the ship to dock by on opposite ends. Then, Shiro would give the signal. 

That was the plan, at least.

As they entered space, Shiro felt uncertainty twist in his gut.

 The lack of Allura on his comm link made him worry. Usually she was there from the beginning, reiterating orders and cheering them on. It was always comforting knowing that she was metaphorically behind them.

 With the other for paladins literally behind him, Shiro shot out of the wormhole and landed in space.

 It didn't take long for him to find Zarcon's ship. In fact, Shiro almost missed it due to the increasing pain in his body.  He noticed the looming craft as he tried to take control of his wracking coughs.

Sucking in a breath and nearly choking, he pushed the button to the comm link.

"Paladins" he wheezed. "As soon as the last of you exits the wormhole, I'll give you 30 tics and then everybody will move under the ship and we will begin to form Voltron."

 When He heard confirmation from the others , he dipped slow and flew toward the ship.

 Purple light illuminated the interior and weapons were at the ready, but there was no indication that the Galra had seen him yet. In order to obtain maximum-security on this, he hovered under the ship and out of the line of sight.

Up Until this point it was looking good. All he had to do was wait for the other paladins to make their move.

But As time went on Shiro felt significantly worse.

 Sitting still let him see how badly he was shaking. A thin sheen of sweat lined his skin, leaving him paler than usual. Head clogged and nose running,he leaned back into his seat, feeling faint. Lance's voice saved him from falling asleep.

"Alright, Shiro, I'm the last of them. Waiting for your signal."

 Shiro put his helmet on, pain increasing throughout his shoulder.

"Steady...hold on for a bit..." He spoke, but it came out strangled. And they Definitely noticed it.

"Shiro, is something wrong?" Pidge prodded.

 Her voice was steady and sweet, but Shiro started to panic. If they failed to focus on the mission, then they would never be in the right mind to form Voltron. they would fail because of him.

 He would not let that happen.

"Don't worry about me! Form Voltron!"

 Just like they were taught, they formed without question. Shiro had to focus all of his energy on transforming his lion. without trouble, Pidge and Keith moved to form the arms and Lance and Hunk the legs as fast as possible. When the Black lion's helmet was lifted to reveal Voltron's face, Shiro knew they had finally done it.

"Alright!" Hunk cheered. "We did it! We formed Voltron!"

"And no sign of any Galra" Lance added.

 Though as soon as he said that, everyone had a bad feeling. This was too easy. It was anticipated that they would have met an obstacle before they even got near the ship. But the dull, empty silence they got was eerie. 

And it didn't last long.

"Guys! Look out!" Keith shouted.

Before Shiro had time to react, he felt the robot being pulled away right before a laser shot out through the former position of Voltron. They stumbled backwards and Shiro fumbled for his controls, hands shaking and heart pounding. As he leaned forward though, he was thrown out of his seat, landing on the ground with a thud.

 Shiro yelled out in pain as his shoulder hit the ground and stars exploded in his vision.

"We have to get out of here!" Pidge exclaimed.

Shiro couldn't have agreed more, but even with all of the body strength he could muster, his arms collapsed from underneath him. The dizziness was too much to bear. This was bad.

Hearing the noises that the lion was making made it _very_ bad.

 Voltron had maneuvered another laser when the comm links burst with activity.

"We have to get out of here!" 

"What's happening?!"

"My Beyard isn't working!"

"SHIRO!"

Shiro finally hoisted himself up and reached for the controls, but found that they were unresponsive. Nothing would work and as time moved on, Shiro felt no connection to his lion.

Which only resulted in one thing. Voltron was ripped apart.

"What happened!? Was someone not focused on the mission? Someone wasn't focused on the mission!" Hunk cried.

Shiro couldn't believe it. He was angry and dissapointed.

"I told you, _I was fine!_ To _not_ worry about me!"

 Even though he couldn't see any of them he knew they were ashamed to some degree. This did nothing to reassure him.

"You guys have to...be focused on your target" he said, feeling lightheaded.

 After one more attempt at getting the black lion to cooperate, the lion suddenly completely shut down.

 And then the hatch door opened.

 It was rejecting Shiro.

By now, full fledged panic had set in. Shiro felt a scream get lodged in his throat and and grabbed for a handle in the cockpit. The vacuum of space had entered the lion and was beckoning him out. He clung on for dear life, muscles sore and brow sweating.

"Why are you doing this!?"

 Shiro Didn't get an answer. Instead, he lost his grip, tumbling toward the opening, the screams of paladins echoing in his helmet. His shoulder collided with the wall, and spots of red and white exploded in his vision before he lost consciousness.

 

 

 He tried to rebound as fast as possible, he really did, but his head felt like lead and his body hurt all over. For a terrifying moment, he thought he had been paralyzed, the memories of past moment suddenly flooding him. The Galra guns, the screams over the comm, the intense pain in his shoulder.

Yeah, that last one was still there.

 He gasped in agony when he suddenly felt warm hands dabbing at the wounds of his head. As they worked, he pushed him self up into a seated position.

"Shiro!"

 He felt Pidge's small frame wrapped around his chest. It would have been comforting had there not been eight anxious hands fidgeting with his face and hair all at once.

Their countenances crushed him. Seeing the disappointment and the betrayal displayed in their expressions made him feel like a failure. They should have never felt this way about their leader.

Pidge gently grabbed his jaw, averting his gaze down to her.

"Don't you EVER do that again" she croaked, eyes misty.

Shiro shook his head and pressed her up to his chest with his good arm. The other paladins just stood there as if they were awaiting an explanation. Lance broke the silence.

"Well?" He asked, throwing his hands in the air.

Shiro sighed, exhausted and looked at his shoulder. He wish he had one. And explanation. He _wanted_ one.

But he was just as confused as they were.

"I'm ....obviously a little under the weather. But other than that, I don't understand. Black just kind of...rejected me."

No one had an answer for him, but as Shiro let his gaze flit to the door, he found one. Allura stood there, with a drastically different attitude than earlier. She strode over to him with open arms.

"Shiro. Are you alright?"

She looked so unassuming now. Shiro wondered how many times she had feigned worry for him.

He didn't want to do this in front of the kids, but something told him that they wouldn't be compliant to leave.

" I was almost ejected into space. How alright do you think I am?"

Lance visibally grimaced, reminded of the time when he was stuck in the airlock. He definitely understood.

Allura didn't.

"I don't understand how this could have happened" she murmured.

Shiro was incredulous.

" I think we all know what happened."

 The paladin's faces changed to some of intense fear.

"What is it?" Pidge asked quietly.

Shiro would have answered had it not been for the sudden coughing fit that overtook him. He leaned up against the wall, shivering violently, the pain in his shoulder becoming unbearable. Pidge tried to take a look at it, but Shiro swatted her away and shrunk back into the wall away from everyone.

" I wasn't meant to pilot a lion."

 That did it. The room exploded with "Oh Shiro, don't say that," "You're the best pilot here!" "You don't know what you're saying." Nothing about the Lion.

Keith pushed past Allura and sat on the bed.

"Shiro, don't do it this. Don't shut down right when we need you."

 He couldn't do this anymore. He was so tired.  Shiro flopped down on the mattress and faced the wall.

"You don't need me. You'll never need me the way you need her."

 He waited an eternity, he felt,  for all of them to leave. They didn't exit all at once. Shiro counted their footsteps; two at a time. Every moment he thought someone would decide to stay and every time a new person left. Only Hunk set of gentle hand on his back.

"Feel better, Shiro" he whispered and was the last to flee the room.

 Or so Shiro thought.

 He tried to push himself up, but his arms wobbled from under him. Before he could collapse completely, stronger arms wrapped themselves around him, hoisti him up in a stable position.

Shiro had to resist the urge to cry out in frustration when he recognized the velvetyness of the skin. The delicateness of her touch. It had always been soothing until now.

 Right now it burned like the pain in his shoulder.

"Shiro..." 

 He muffled his face into the pillow.

"Shiro, you must understand. I only meant that if you weren't feeling well, you could take a break...and someone Else could pilot the black lion in the meantime. You don't have to do this on your own."

Shiro squeezed his eyes shut.

"Oh, Princess, but I do. The black lion is supposed to be my destiny. If I can't measure up to the task, then we'll fall apart. They look up to me..I-i know it."

Allura fit her hands into his.

"Of course they do. They care about you. Like I...care about you."

 It could've been the flu, but Shiro's face suddenly felt significantly warmer. He sniffled wetly and finally gave into her touch. He gently laid his head on her chest.

"Promise me something" he rasped.

Allura stroked his back. "Anything."

"Promise me that whatever happens to me, you'll keep them focused on the prize. Don't let them be worried about sacrifices. They _have_ to defeat Zarcon."

Allura caressed his cheek. "Shiro..."

"Please. Do what your father would do."

 It was a low blow, but it was effective. Shiro looked up into her eyes, seeing that she had come to the realization that he would have done whatever had to be done to keep Voltron together. Even if it meant the devaluing of a life.

 She never realized how different she was from him until now, holding Shiro like a precious doll.

"I am not my father" she said through gritted teeth.

Shiro didn't seem to know how much that hurt her but she supposed she deserved it. He was so out of it though there was no use in chastising him. Allura just watched him as he buried his face into her chest and just held her. 

"I know. You are so much more."

Allura would never believe him. But holding him in her arms made her feel partly perfect. As long as she could protect Shiro, she could avenge Altea. She could avenge her father.

She glanced down at the dazed paladin. As long as she lived, no more harm would come to him.

"You're important to me" she whispered. "You have become more dangerous than I could ever imagine."

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> If you got this far, I applaud you. If I get a positive response I'll probably generate more chapters but idk. Thank you for reading <333


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